Last night I dreamt of the number 45. More specifically me reading or reciting some passages with a vaguely biblical/old world bent, the most memorable being "44 and one will be in the heart." For some reason, as I read those words and stared at them on the page, a hard knot of fear rose up inside me. When I woke up, I thought it was some leftover Christian baggage that decided to randomly resurrect. I searched to see if it was connected to some scripture, but came up empty. At first I was going to leave it at that. But being the curious cat that I am, I couldn't resist digging into its meaning.
Though I've established via many past posts--including whole deconversion series--that I'm an atheist, I believe in dreams. Not in the sense some supernatural force is sending me a message from the other side, but in the sense that dreams can often serve as subconscious funhouse mirrors of the struggles, triumphs and desires of our waking lives. Of course, some are directly affected by our waking habits (like the time I feel asleep in the midst of a True Blood watch-a-thon and some vampers made a guest appearance), but many times, dreams can offer a surreal vision for us interpret, or not, at our own leisure.
So, I looked up what 45 means in the dream realm and came upon these descriptions:
"To dream of the number 45 represents the balancing of change. A chaotic experience or unexpected event may be coming to a close. Alternatively, 45 may reflect a change of method in how a problem is fixed.
Number 45 is a message from your angels to put your efforts towards the things in your life that embrace and enhance who you truly are, your lifestyle choices and your life in general. Be prepared to make necessary changes that will bring auspicious opportunities to advance you along your path. Trust that these changes will bring ‘better’ into your life in all aspects."
Again, angels? Chile no, but in this case the descriptions happen to apply to some areas of my life right now. I'm not going through anything really catastrophic or chaotic at the moment, but I am trying to change the way I operate when it comes to things like saving and earning money (I'm pursuing more freelance work, being less impulsive with spending), and focusing most of my creativity on my fiction writing.
Pursuing my writing ambitions in particular has made me afraid at some points, with the familiar doubts swirling in my head. "Am I any good?" "Will people get/like this?" "Will I ever get published?" "How will things change if I actually "blow up?" And so on. But putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, has made my life richer, because I feel like I'm expressing myself. Or to put it more bluntly, I feel like I'm getting some shit off my chest. Connecting things back to religion, choosing to seek answers to my questions, leaving Christianity and embracing my non-belief was scary as hell, but has ultimately led to a more centered emotional state of mind.
Of course, this is all my interpretation; dreams and numerology are not absolutes, and as humans we are coincidence junkies, always looking for ways to connect the dots. But it's all interesting nonetheless.
What was the last dream you had that affected you?