For those who've ever had to suffer the indignity of hearing the phrase "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" shouted at them during a sermon or by an ignorant homophobe, fear not! Because God, with a little help from David Javerbaum, former head writer and executive producer for The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, has come down to clear up this controversy once and for all.
In an excerpt from Javerbaum's upcoming book The Last Testament, a memoir by God, the Almighty explains why he created Adam and Steve. The book comes out November 1. Read and enjoy after the jump.
1 To resume:
2 It is often said — and even more often screamed at anti–gay marriage rallies outside the statehouse in Lansing — that I created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
4 Now will I tell the story of the first man, Adam; and of the companion I fashioned for him, Steve; and of the great closeting that befell their relationship.
5 For after I created the earth, and sea, and every plant and seed and beast of the field and fowl of the air, and had the place pretty much set up, I saw that it was good;
6 But I also saw, that by way of oversight it made good administrative sense to establish a new middle‑managerial position.
7 So as my final act of Day Six, I formed a man from the dust of the ground, and breathed life into his nostrils; and I called him Adam, to give him a leg up alphabetically.
8 And lo, I made him for my image; not in my image, but for my image; because with Creations thou never gettest a second chance to make a first impression;
9 And so in fashioning him I sought to make not only a responsible planetary caretaker, but also an attractive, likeable spokesman who in the event of environmental catastrophe could project a certain warmth.
10 To immediately assess his ability to function in my absence, I decided to change my plans; for I had intended to use Day Seven to infuse the universe with an innate sense of compassion and moral justice; but instead I left him in charge and snoozed.
11 And Adam passed my test; yea, he was by far my greatest achievement; he befriended all my creatures, and named them, and cared for them; and tended the Garden most skillfully; for he had a great eye for landscape design.
12 But I soon noticed he felt bereft in his solitude; for oft he sighed, and pined for a helpmeet; and furthermore he masturbated incessantly, until he had well‑nigh besplattered paradise.
13 So one night I caused him to fall into a deep sleep; fulsomely did I roofie his nectar; and as he slept, I removed a rib, though not a load‑bearing one.
14 And from this rib I fashioned a companion for him; a hunk, unburdened by excess wisdom; ripped, and cut, and hung like unto a fig tree before the harvest;
15 Yea, and a power bottom.
16 And Adam arose, and saw him, and wept for joy; and he called the man Steve; I had suggested Steven, but Adam liked to keep things informal.
17 And Adam and Steve were naked, and felt no shame; they knew each other, as often as possible; truly their loins were a wonderland.
18 And they were happy, having not yet eaten of the Tree of the Knowledge That Your Lifestyle Is Sinful.
1 Now the snake was more closeted than any animal in the Garden; literally on the down flow; for though he oft hissed his desire to mate with comely serpentesses, yet he lisped, and fretted over his skin care, and could not have looked more phallic if he’d had balls for a rattle.
2 And that which he needlessly despised in himself, he set out to destroy in others; so one day he slithered unto Steve and said,
5 Hey, random question for thee: Hast thou ever eaten the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge That Your Lifestyle Is Sinful?
6 ’Cause I hear it’s some quality produce!”
7 Long did the serpent cozen Steve in this way; at first he balked, but the serpent tricked him, by telling him that the fruit would intensify his orgasm; which was a reckless lie;
8 For the fruit did not intensify orgasms; it merely prolonged them forty‑five minutes.
9 And so Steve ate of the tree; and he bid Adam eat of it; and the knowledge that their lifestyle was sinful shamed them, and also filled them with white‑hot lust; and they entwined themselves unceasingly until dawn.
10 (For it was and remains true, that all aspects of sexual activity grow more pleasurable following their moral condemnation.)
11 But in the morning they grew embarrassed, and cloaked themselves in fig leaves; these constituting the entirety of their fall collection.
12 And they heard me walking in the garden in the cool of the day; and they hid themselves from my presence behind a grove; which, a lot of good that’s going to do;
13 And I called, “Adam and Steve, where art thou?”
14 And Adam said, “Father, there is something we need to tell thee: we are gay.”
15 And I said, “Whhhuuuhhhhh?!?”
16 And Steve said, “Yea, it is true, LORD; for the snake bid me eat the fruit of the forbidden Tree; and I gave it to Adam; and now we know that we are not only here, but queer; and lo, we would thou growest accustomed to it.”
17 And I turned to the serpent and screamed, “Thou hast ruined everything; for I had wrought Steve of the same gender as Adam, so that they could not breed, and would be free to focus on their gardening careers;
18 But thou hast made them ashamed for no reason, by convincing them to eat of the Tree of the Knowledge That Your Lifestyle Is Sinful.”
19 “But LORD,” said the serpent, “surely I could not have done this evil thing, if thou didst not inexplicably put this stigmatizing tree in the Garden to begin with.”
20 I considered this.
21 “Look,” I said, “hindsight is twenty‑twenty.
22 And surely this is not the time to play the ‘blame game’; at least not until my full‑scale internal investigation is complete;
23 Whose findings will be used to ensure, that an event as tragic as the Fall of Man, never happens again.
24 But in the meantime, serpent, thou art cursed above every beast of the field; and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life; and even the humans who study thee will be accursed; for they will be known as ‘herpetologists,’ which sounds like ‘herpes.’
25 And as for you, Adam and Steve: Damn it! I knew I should have made you lesbians!
26 Then you would have tended the Garden with more diligence; yea, and been a lot more outdoorsy in general.
27 But ye have been disobedient; and for that I must now inflict upon you the harshest punishment possible:
28 Transforming you from carefree young lovers living in the heart of everything, to a married couple with kids stuck in the suburbs.
29 Steve, so that thou mayest bear young, I will tomorrow transform thee into a woman; fear not, the operation is relatively standard; in the meantime, put this on.
30 Oh, and consider what female name thou wilt want; try to make it something that rhymes with ‘Steve’, so that 6,000 years from now, the righteous can use it to create the most inane slogan of all time.
31 As for posterity, do not worry about humanity learning the true nature of thy relationship.
32 I am the LORD thy God, King of the Universe; I know how to spin this.”
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