Stephen Colbert couldn't let this week's Supreme Court marriage equality cases without putting his two cents in, warning of a "gay-mageddon (officially my new favorite word) and "a sea of hedonism" if the court strikes down the anti-equality laws.
“I shudder to think that the unnatural coupling of same-sex partners may be put on the same legal footing as my loving relationship with my gun,” he said in his faux-conservative pundit persona on The Colbert Report, then whispered “You complete me” to a handgun.
“Folks, if we lose either of these two cases, it will be the gay-mageddon,” he continued. “America, lost in a sea of hedonism.”
He went on to say that the Bible “clearly says marriage is between one man and that man’s rib,” and with support for marriage equality “surging like Ryan Gosling in my dreams,” that “if our Founding Fathers knew about the advancement of the gay agenda, they’d be spinning in their silk pantaloons.”
Watch below.
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FOR GAYS ONLY: Jesus predicted that just before His return as Judge, there will be a strange, spontaneous, mind-twisting fad - a global steamroller notable for its speed, boldness, violence, and impudent in-your-face openness. In Luke 17 He called this worldwide craze the repeat of the "days of Lot" (see Genesis 19 for details). By helping to fulfill this worldwide mania quietly coordinated by unseen spirit beings, gays are actually hurrying up Christ's return to earth and making the Bible even more believable!
They've actually invented strange architecture: closets opening not on to bedrooms but on to Main Streets where kids can see naked men having sex in "Madam" Nancy Pelosi's San Francisco Brothel District. We wonder how soon S.F.'s underground saint - San Andreas - will get a 10-point jolt out of what goes on over his head (see the dire prediction about cities in Revelation 16:19)!
What's really scary is the "reprobate mind" phrase in Romans 1:28. A person can sear his conscience so much God turns him over to S, the universal leader of evil who can turn such a person into Mr. Possessed with a super-human strength that many cops together have trouble restraining.
Remember, gays don't have to stay bound to their slavery. Their emancipation is found in a 5-letter name starting with J - no, not James or Julia. As soon as they can find out the all-powerful J name, gays will really start living!